i love you, but my mental capacity is unable to show it

In the past year i’ve had to go through a lot of emotional agony related to friends moving/being far away from me. I’ve had best friends come from different states to visit me and family, and when they left I couldn’t handle the fact that I wouldn’t have the option to hang out with them again until the next time they visited.

But now i’m the one putting my loved ones through that same emotional turmoil.

Nine days left in the US. The last month has been me trying to fit friends into my schedule to say c’ya later (i’m not even busy- my brain just likes to tell me that some days i’m not allowed to leave the house, so really my schedule has been full of avoiding people). The way I’m dealing with these days where my friends and I get together and try to have one day that holds a little bit of everything that defines our friendship, is by pretending that I’m not actually leaving, or just ignoring the realness all together. I think it would be so much easier if I just didn’t have any “last days” with people, but left suddenly instead. While I’m hanging out with friends, the situation is throwing itself in my face and taunting me with the fact that for at least a year I won’t be able to experience this bliss again.

I’m getting down to my last week living here, and I’m finding it more and more difficult to want to see people. I don’t want the last couple of days to be moving so fast that I’m unable to actually enjoy them.  But then this begs the question, at what point am I allowed to tell people that I just don’t have the time(when really I mean that I just don’t have the emotional capacity to be around human beings)? At what point am I allowed to not feel guilty for all of the time I’m wanting to spend in my house alone or with my family? I don’t want my friendships to be ranked by whether or not I saw them before I moved, but I’m afraid that’s how some of them may look at it.

As I read through this post, I realize that it took a turn that I didn’t expect and really ended up being about me not being able to handle all of the company and activities that are involved before you move. It is so hard to do things, be active, show your love for people when you’re mentally ill. Alls I want to do is continue avoiding people, or hoping they’ll cancel plans, or staying in my room for days. But I want my friends to know that I love them and that they absolutely matter and that it’s important to me to see them before I ghost for a year. But at what point am I allowed to be selfish and stop trying to fit everyone in my life into the last week of living here, just so that I can take a second to really look at things before I leave?

Have you ever moved? How did you deal with showing your love for so many people before you left?


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